This I believe…live everyday as if it were your last because tomorrow is never promised. Sometimes in life we lose the ones we love whether it is circumstances within our control or out of…
Death does not discriminate against age; it does care how young or how old you are. Death forces you to grow up, just as it did to me on February 7th, 2003 when I lost a very important person in my life, my sister Tabitha. She was only 21 when she left this world and though it has been 8 years since she has passed the memory of the pain is still just as strong. I still remember everything from that day and for the longest time I could not close my eyes without reliving it. I felt as though my mind was in a constant replay with no way to press stop, or even pause. I think about that day and wonder if I had pushed harder to see her, if she would still be here. If we had went to see her maybe we could have kept her out of that truck. I even think back to that night sometimes and wonder if I had expected the worst; would I have been more prepared? Would I have been able to handle her loss differently? Every time I end up with the same answer. You can NEVER be prepared to lose some one that you love with all of your heart. It is an open wound that shall never mend. I can block the pain out for a period of time, but it never fully goes away.
On February 7th, 2003 my mother and I lost a crucial piece of the puzzle that makes up our heart. Ever since that day, I don’t think that I have ever experienced true happiness. Quite often I feel as though I am going through the motions of life without actually experiencing them. It is as though my days never end. It pains me to admit this out loud but it is a reality of mine. I don’t know how or when I will be able to be just me, to not feel as though I have chunk of myself missing. At times I catch myself trying to use others to fill that perpetual black hole but it never works. I guess it is a subconscious desire, to fill the hole with love. People always leave. Letting me down and leaving behind new bruises.
I pray that one day I will be whole again. It is a curse to wonder constantly who will be the next to leave or betray my trust. Who will say they care about me then shatter my spirit to pieces? I need to learn to love with a distance, to not give all of myself. But still live everyday as if it were my last…